things in life
it been a long long time i start to blog down my thoughts again..
recently i make alot big decisions. some i will consider good. some i will say not good, but well what to do already decided.
i dont know if i have achieved much till now but i guess i am between the average good.
Friends who care understand that i have commit myself to quite a few items.
first HDB, second Car, but i guess thats what most people wish to have.
a home of thier own, a drive for thier life.
Many agrees that getting a hdb house now is a good time, good investment i will say but not for a car cause it is really wasting money.
i got my own reasons and well i really consider alot before i decided to purchase it so it is already been brought let me take the responsible to take care of it.
if i cant make it through and have a harder time. i will give up lost the most 20k and restart everything again. i will take it as a lesson learn. i will also take this chance to understand for the next 5 to 7 years if it is really worth owning 1 ride. i guess most people says once u start driving u wont stop.. i guess so to for my case. i took taxi for granted last time in my previous work which i can claims most of the transport, then i end up having the habit to take such rides. cost i spend on taxi could be higher that what i normal estimate. one thing i hate about is to be late for my work. but i just cant get my lazy bone out of my bed at that time.
Dislike the feeling that im taking up spaces in trains in the morning ( i am fat...) then i need to be like so tense up early in the morning..
Saving is one issues i drain up my savings for the car, pocket will be tight and i am like spending quite alot on others things. i need save for my future also..i dont want to be irresponsible too, i shall try hard to save again after the new year. hope i can reach my target soon.
i just like to take care of things that i love, so i certianly will try my best to protect it, i know i am those rough type haha so my things spoilt easily but well i still keep it with me.
i learnt more about myself recently after i make certian decision. i learned that at times i must be assertive to things i says. i cant just say and say and dont let my words comes true. its makes no sense except i am bullshiting. things are at times hard to control i know some like showing off, but i also learn that if i dont know about the things i rather not commit to it and say i know, say the most i go and find out more about it and get back when i have the correct answers to it.
there is no room for arguements with people when they are strong headed also. it only get things sour.
in life we must mutually respect each other, cannot jump into conclusion without knowing the details, and should always, things dont always goes your way and what u want, learn to accept the facts of life and see how we can make that as your better for you in which to resolve things not to make things worst.
i see people are easy to forgetting thier basic happiness and start to go into agruement, lets be more sensitable so that it makes things controllable.
If one person is unhappy about sometimes if they dont voice out, people may not know, and still keep hitting the same spots and make people more upset.. this are some things i keep hearing from people.
the right way i guess is to share out the concern and let the person know your issues, must be more direct dont go around and around thinking that by saying straight may hurt them.
Next for the person who is listening, learn to put yourself in that person postion understand the problems she is facing in her own shoes and respect that she have made that decision. if u can support it, if you cant let the person choose her own decison, i mean why control others life when you yourself cant determine your own right? of course we want the best to our friends and love one too but when the person is strong headed. it is really no point. and never add salt to wound when maybe cant be undone, ones should try to encourage the person to carry on since it is already done. never say things like see see i told u so, you should have listen to me at the first place. so what if the person have listen to you, things may not be turning out of what u expects too.
been in a charity organisation, i see people giving unconditionally but also there is some bad one who takes unconditionally also.. i respects those who give more they can afford to help people who is less fortunate. for me, i know myself, as much as i can give to people, i will my best to help but not in eat into things i cant afford. Everyone have thier own reasons.
however, i am very happy of what i am and having now. i still consider myself lucky thru out in my current life, i just hope more good things will come to me, but i also understand i cant be too greedy too. and hope i remember what i have written down to advise myself when i need it when troubles comes and try to follow as close to it... at least maybe that time i will not make the mistakes take i list out i should have done.
New year means new life ahead, know it is a tough time but well look at the bright side, at least u are still breathing, u are still kicking, u have lovely friends who drinks talk and love you, you have loves one who give thier love unconditionally.
MUM I LOVE YOU, DAD I LOVE YOU, you are the best parents i ever have in my life. I understand i can done what you have done to me. I am in good fortune to be love by both of you.
KOR I LOVE YOU, you are my guide to my life. i know it is good that u be there somehow when i need someone, i know it is hard when you have your family and you are always strong headed too, you are like the big boss man. your brother will do you proud need not worry.
GUI MA i love you but i know i give you lesser love then i should have to but i really at my limits. your love is also unconditionally. I am like always in debt to you hope that you have good health all the way.
Ai Ling i love you, i find my heart sinks with yours when you are upset. filled with joy when you smile,i wish to be there no matter where in your future where we share more joy and laugher, i wish i can take up all your burdens, i know you need a man who can give you security, and give you space when you want it. i will try my best and be my best to you. I cant promise you anything yet, but i can promise you i will not be the one who add in to your burden in anyway. if i have issues i will share with you but will sort it out myself. i will love you and be there, even i can only stand there and stare blank like the dumbest person. I will think of ways on the good way to provide you with comfort. we will works things out one by one.
I LOVE my friends who love me you know who you are. cause u must love me to find me loving u back mah? haha
one more year i will be one more year responsible. i be there also if you need me but dont get me into trouble lah. thanks for all the good friendship i have all this years. I never should deserves such great people to be so kind to me sharing all their happy and unhappy things with me too.
I WISH ALL HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!
how i know my love
Dairy for my dear
Chapter 1
She's new and just join this company teletech. During her training, she was the only girl in her batch, at first, she wasn't eye catching till I saw her smile and how she manage to adapt with her new batch. I was thinking she seem quite a nice lady by then. There weren't many chances to get to know her when you work in a helpdesk environment.
When she first hit the desk, I think it was her first week or two, I seem to have the same working timing, but didn't think of knowing her still. The first two days when we knock off, we took the same lift, however she will put on her mp3 player headpiece, and into her own world and look away, we spoke nothing at all. I didn't know how to start a conversation with her too. Maybe she's just shy or maybe she's not interested in talking to me at all. We walked our own way to the train station turning left and right, we parted like strangers. I doubt she even ever notices me. After that, we have the same off days.
Wasn't actually planning to know her, it all happen, when my sup actually plan the same lunch hour and bum to her at the food court alone having her lunch. So I decided to go forward and say hi to her, saying may I join you. She was sweet enough to offer me the sit. That's how we begin to know each other. Started off by asking her name and has she adjusted to the environment already.
It was purely trying get to know her more as a colleague and that time I was struggling to get new job or extending my contact, I was not able to get a new job and actually extended a month, maybe it's fate that actually bring two strangers together and become friends. It was whenever we work, we seem to be sitting opposite each other, more or less our own favorite sit. It was then I started to take notice of her, I will steal a few glance at her without her notices, else will just try to cover up by disturbing with the rest of the colleagues. I guess she was thinking that this guy to be crazy taking camera to snap others and also sit on the table to do work. There she is, and here I'm, will love ever sparks between us.
To be continued:
When 2 hearts meets
Chapter 2
Things just come unexpectedly, and I actually got a new job and I must leave this job, actually was quite upset to leave this place, people at my age are all quite fun loving and easy going. Well sometimes, we just need to carry on to dream and find our own career and future ahead to know what is good for me. But, some how, I feel unbearable here. Maybe it could be her, I'm unsure about it myself. I manage to come out with asking her for a movie knowing that she likes to watch movie. It was considered a date after I leave for the new job first week, I thought of having this chances to know her better. But she wasn't able to make it when the day come closer, she fell sick, fever and also her mum hurt herself so she needs to take care of her, but during that week, I was also stress out with new job and adapting to it. Many sleepless nights, I have company to talk on the phone; it's been sometimes since I have a strange feeling for someone. The feeling is just different; it's comfortable and warm. I start to think if I have fallen for her, I need some type of feelings before my heart is able to tell me what to do. I'm not those that will just go to anyone that's appears to me, I know I may sound foolish but that's just the very me. I need that kind of guts, and many a time I give up cause I think I'm not worth of yet.
Strangely I really feel different towards her, I try to be nice to her to test how much I can give for her, for the first date, I realizes she can be more than I can hope for. Someone who so different yet I know she's might just be the one. Many times I worried that I might over do to scare her off but everything seems so naturally and she seems comfortable, with me too. It was our first date, weird but beautiful, I just can't control myself not to find out what type of feeling is this. It was 120605. A beautiful friendship that might change to something else that we wont know.
It may be just a simple cartoon movie in the beginning, while I told her I looking for a present for my brother, but not manage to find one. We end up walking around, somehow or rather I feel that I should get her something and saw a nice bouquet of pink lilies, and decided to get for her as surprise, she seem to be in total surprise for what I get for her, next was a dinner that I hope to bring her to. Even, myself I never have a chance to bring someone there and when we were at colors by the bay at al dente everything was quite weird, I even brought to the wrong floor but still was wonderful experience with her. After dinner, we took a slow walk to one Fullerton, playing with my camera and also have a good chat, knowing each other better. It actually quite strange that she actually willing walk round aimlessly, from Fullerton to boat quey.
Many times that day, I wanted to move closer to her and I wish that she will come closer, move nearer to me however I worried that I will frightened her off, but she seem comfortable. The last location we stop was MacDonald at boat quay, drinking lemon lime till around ten plus then it was a long walk to the bus stop to her bus. Well, that very moment, I know I must send her home, on the long bus ride, we carry on to talk to share and moment of quietness. She even falls asleep. Keep seeing her swinging left to right, I wanted so much she can rest on my shoulder or at least bring her closer to me. But I didn't cause I worried that she might be scare off by me. I was glad that I was able to send her home to her door. I'm quite certain that this girl is someone I may share my love with. Some how or rather I find a second chance to make an excuse to see her by going back company to fax my time sheet, the actual reason is indeed to catch for a dinner. I was lost during that week when I like trying very hard to catch her attention but she will find some way to act blur. And after doing all the stupid hint, I decide to drop her a stupid mail to tell her that I 'm interested in her.
On Friday I get her to help me find a new hp cause intend to change phone, but I can't decide on what pda phone I want. It is like so hard to choose from o2 mini or hp blackberry or just Syrian phones, however she is willing to search with me from bugis to suntec even at the end I didn't buy any phone. I'm puzzled why would she actually willing to company this way. After that, I treat her for our second movie 'ghost train' at Shaw telling her I'm scare of horror movie. Ha but I doubt she believe me but that was really enjoyable, I even try to hint her and reach out my hand before we go into the cinema when she comes out from the toilet saying something like 'come dear lets go in to scare ourselves' but I guess she didn't notice it at all. Well, I guess it not that easy anyway. The movie went well tried many times to get closer to her but I guess the feelings not right yet. But I'm glad that she is willing to spend that time with me, on the trip back to her place I guess she is wore out by me watching her falling asleep beside me I was wondering what should I do, many a time I wanted to put my arms around her lend her a shoulder to rest on, however, I'm really worried that she might not be use to this. I also wish that we can really start of naturally without telling her or she can show some hint to me guess she just too tired she needs to work too tomorrow. Anyway, she accepts another date with me tomorrow, which I suppose to bring her to a nice place to eat.
It was June 18th 2005, I was planning to prepare dinner for her and bring her over to East Coast Park to have dinner, but beforehand I went over to tampines to get ingredients for cooking and also my phone as I have decided on this. When I was getting my phone, she send over a sms that nearly disappoints me, she told me that's she is rather tired due to work and wish to change to another day for meet up for my surprise. I have to tell her that I actually preparing dinner for her and agrees to meet me after work. I was relief to hear that. Guess she been force out by me. As I proceed to prepare the food that I wish to share with her. It's really different feeling since this the girl u really likes and feeling for. It was prepared within an hour; I was like rushing for time cause I wish not to get the food to turn cold. I rushed down on a cab cause I worried that she might be angry if I'm late and I patiently await for her at B1 in Singapore post centre. It was like somehow the longest time for the day, she comes down shortly after I arrived, she give a smile that I guess it worth every efforts that I'm doing for her. I don't want her to tired out and we took a cab to east coast. Actually I really don't know what else to do. And certainly there is a slight traffic jam on the expressway that day as the taxi driver alights us at the junction when both of us dangerously walk by the side of the road to the beach area. That moment I really worry, that this might be a little dangerous for her even though she is following behind me, as I constantly turn back to look at her. I really wish to protect this girl now.
As we walk down the beach, I can't remember what topics we are saying and we are not too sure where to find a place to eat our food. But as we walk down we manage to find a place where we can comfortable sit down to have our food. It was quite fun just to unpack the food and show it to her. Her little puzzled smile and my craps even though don't really seem to match but I guess she is able to correspond to my action. I'm really not too sure what she was feeling at the moment, I really hope that this will touch her somehow, cause till that moment I'm not too sure how she feels for me but yet I know she does like my way of pampering her. I just keep asking her to try this and that and say 'hmm this meal is quite good right? We have rice, vegetables, fish and chicken.' Which I know is very lame and constantly asking her if she like the taste of the food I prepared or how does it taste is it too salty or she don't like this way of cooking. But her responses seem to be contented enough for me to feel so happy doing all this for her. We even joke about the people who are trying to setup the barbeque pit near us. Saying by the time we finish our food they have yet started the fire.
It was like just another precious moment just the two of us in our own world. We even took a few pictures, which were simply lovely, this Saturday evening. After we have finish our meals, we sort of pack up even thought we didn't manage to finish the food I could feel that she tries to finish up as much as possible in order not to waste my effort.
Next we walk to MacDonald to get ourselves a drink that again is lemon lime, which was her treat. I also take out my phone which I told her I haven't even have the chance to play with it or even look at it since I come out we start playing with the phone and take some pictures with it. There was this moment when we took one picture, which ended as a video clip as we set on the wrong settings, we just hold there like two dumb people starting at the phone. But it was certainly fun. I really wanted to hold close to her that moment but still I really don't know how to react. I saw the time was quite late and it was about time to send her home. We are not too sure about the way back and I told her lets go to the bus stop nearby and see if there are any buses, which we can take to go the Chua Chu Kang. Which she's agrees on. She seems to trust me that I will bring her back safely and allow me to make the decision. I told myself I need a long quiet bus ride so I can keep her company as much as I can. We decided on 197 which will bring us to Jurong East, when we got to the back of the bus, it was like just me and her. I got the strong urge to tell her about her feelings and find out about hers too cause it's like I really don't know why even after so much of things I have done she yet show signs that is like to let me move on. Is she rejecting or is she giving me a chance to react. It is really a very long time since I have the feelings that liking someone like this which I'm completely losing this battle if I delay some more, but I really don't know what should I say or do to make her understand my feelings, I know I'm not prepared at all also. I'm so lost.
There was a quiet moment when we are in the bus cause I really don't know what to say and she is also behaving very quietly. I don't know what I was doing or how I have that courage again to confess to her my feelings. I'm started to mumbles my words, and for her, she likes knowing that I want to tell her something. I guess this is it, do or forget it, it wont be any good if I delay this, even thought that we might not know each other long enough to understand each other more or are we suitable for each other, I guess we needs to work things out slowly even if she is not ready and if she rejected me, we can still be friends. I begin to confess with some funny laugher, which I could remember still. Telling her, like 'do u know that I like you? And I have fallen for you already, do u have similar feelings and can tell I'm aftering you?' and she actually told me yah somehow can tell you are. But I was really puzzled why don't she show me some hints or so. She says she also doesn't know how to react and she asks me what I like about her and we know each other so shortly only. I told her I like her smile, her smile is beautiful and she is very unique and simple, someone which I really hope to take care of, loving her. I ask her how she feels about me. She says she finds that I'm very nice, and don't really have guys that treats her so nice before so she also don't know what to say and was really surprised. She also did mention about me to her friends, that some guy she just know been very nice to her, I know that that's means that I do have a chance, and try my best and give us a chance to try to work things out together. She was rather worried about what if I find out that she is not as good as I imagined, which I told her that we won't know till we give each other a chance to know each other better, even thought I can't promise her anything now but I can promise her I try my best and be my first girlfriend, and she agrees. That very moment, I manage to hold on her hand the very first time was my happiness day in my life. And really hope that moment will stop. I'm unable to describe that feeling and we are still very awkward hold each other hand, as we have no experience in that yet was just sweet very sweet for me. And the first I discovered about her is her sweaty palms, she was quite uncomfortable about it at first, but to me it was really special, I really don't mind at all. I guess this weird feeling is known as love.
To be continued
Chapter 3
Learning from the basic
Both of us has never been in a relationship, we feel uneasy even just to hold hands, we do not know should we address each other, what should we share, tell each other but one thing for sure I wish to see her the very next day, finding out her lunch hour and surprise her outside my ex company is what I did, even it's just a short 45mins lunch break, I decided to drop by to company her. This is first meet up after last night, we just try to be as natural as possible, and causes our friends still do not know anything about it. But it was good enough to just keep her company. However, we already plan to meet the next day for movie, actually she was asked to company one of our friend to watch mr and mrs smith, since it's their off day we are still struggling to inform him we are together a not, but he manage to guess out, then that very day my best friend ask me along with her for movie. Because they are as excited as I'm to see her. After work I rushed to Plaza Singapura to meet her, she actually have a lovely haircut. I was lost for a while, enchanted by this lovely angel who is my gf now, where she holds my hands naturally, ensuring to our friends that we are an item now. I don't know how she feels but I'm glad I have her with me. Movies will never be alone without someone to warm my hand in the cold cinema. It's different now with someone to comments, to laugh and to enjoy a movie with. this blissful feeling is hard to describe.
To be continued
Chapter 4
Follow our heart
Then it was my turn to meet up her friends, it was Friday where we arrange to meet up to go to night safari. I was looking forward in seeing her. It was my first time seeing them; in fact I try to perform my best in front of them. However, I guess I was too anxious to go to night safari, actually had an argument with her friend and didn't put her in my first position, I realize what I did was wrongly. I felt very guilty after. I'm thankful to learn something about been together with someone is to always spare a thought for the one you love. Always try to remember and consider of how the person's feeling. Which I guess, this is the hardest part in a relationship, well I guess I learn something and this does make relationship stronger. I'm thankful she forgives me for my behavior. Overall, we enjoyed the trip, I very first outing trip.
Chapter 5
The very first
It was something that I want to get, that is something I wanted her to have. That was something from my first pay, something that I want her to have to keep close, feel that I'm always close to her by her heart. Thankfully she loves it. It's a small diamond necklace. I promise myself I will work extra hard to pamper her. She actually saw my gift when I open my bag during the trip; I guess I couldn't hide from her very long, I show it to her on our bus ride. She seems to be quite happy, I help her to wear it on that very night, I know she deserves to be pampered this way. We kiss the very first time, it is the first time I kiss someone I love, I never had that feeling before. Now I realize how powerful love can be. U know the next things to do is to love this girl whole hearty. I choose a song that I really feel for her and I wanted her to always remember. Thank you for loving me by bon jovi. I'm thankful because now I have her with me. What ever I do to deserve such love from her. I understand now the meaning of love.
Chapter 6
The learning phase
I guess with her, things are really different now, from holding hands, touching her face, playing her fingers and hair, hugging her tight, looking into her eyes, telling her how much I love her and kissing her to make feel secure, to sharing our options, mixing with her friends, I guess there lots of thing to learn in order to be a better man. The most important is letting her know how thankful and loving I feel having her. To give to someone who willing to receive and return your unconditional love is blissful. This is what I always feel. I do learn more when I’m with her, I always feel she give me all she can when I’m with my friends, I can feel she understand my ego at time. I also know my owe faults lies with my ego which I need to be praise to do better. And my big and clumsy action may end up hurting her, but very fast she can forgive me. I’m forceful and insensitive most of the time too, which she most of the time I do realize it too late and upset her but still she has a forgiving heart which forgiven me, before I can say sorry. That's the point where I feel that she love me her unique way. I finally found her.
Maybe at times, I wish that she can tell me more, share with me her burdens, what she has in mind, maybe she does hint to me but I’m not sensitive enough to sense it or tell it at that moment. But I can see this girl willing to do a lot of things just with me, her thoughtfulness and caring is sometimes I feel that, I don’t deserve her if I’m not good enough. I’m must try to cut off my childishness and responsible to things I do and say cause I know I always miss out the little details. However, I guess I will learn that as soon as I get to know her better in the days approached.
